This Is Us

By Amy Tatz

Do you watch the TV show This Is Us? It's a pretty emotional drama about a family and their story. But I often find some of the lines from the show inspirational. Thus, this blog post. 

I won't give away spoilers, but this is something that Kevin said in one of this season's episodes.

"You ever feel like you're performing in a movie that no one's watching? You're trying to be the right kind of person instead of just...being that person."

He wasn't talking about grief, but that's what it reminded me of.

I hear all the time how the women and men who have lost a baby or child feel so alone, so isolated. I myself felt that way for sure going through my losses. Especially after the first week or so. Life around me had gone back to normal, yet I wasn't sure what my normal was anymore. I buried my child. That was not normal. I had to find the new norm and adjust to it. And I felt like I was doing it alone despite the family and friends who wanted to help.

And eventually, there comes a time in which "the world" expects you to act normal again. In the book Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt, (which we are doing in our new peer-to-peer support group! E-mail us if you're interested!) one of her tips was to sort of try and fake it until you make it. I have mixed feelings about this but I understand what she's getting at. I just feel like there's a very fine line there, where we don't want to over-fake it, or constantly fake it. We still have our grief and emotions to process and it's important that we allow, sometimes even force, ourselves to do that. 

But sometimes, we do have to fake it. Maybe it's because we have children at home that we have to take care of and we can't always be falling apart. Maybe we have to go back to work. And for me, that's when the performance begins.

I'm in a movie no one is watching. No one knows that thoughts swirling in my head.

Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? My family is hurting and it's all because I lost my baby. Will I ever be ok? Will those donuts make me feel better? I really think they will. But now I have this weight to lose for the baby I didn't get to bring home.

No one knows the physical toll my my body is recovering from.

Blood loss. Anemia. Hormones crashing. Milk coming in with no baby to drink it. 

No one can see the total devastation on the inside.

They see the performance. And because the performance appears normal, no one wants to watch it. That's ok. I didn't want to be watched. I really didn't. 

But I even remember feeling like I wasn't doing the performance right. Was I crying enough in front of people? Did I look sad enough? Did I look too sad? Why couldn't I get it right?

Was I getting the happy act right? Why couldn't I just be happy? Why couldn't I just grieve right? Why all the acting?

I guess what I want to say is, it's ok to put a smile on your face to get through the day. It really is. But guess what? So is all the other stuff. The doubts, the hurt, the tears, the performance. It's all ok. 

And I also want to say that you may feel like you're performing in a movie that no one is watching, but I promise you, you actually do have an audience! And you should never hesitate to reach out to them for support, or laughs, or a hug, or a chocolate. 

And maybe, if you really think about it, you're not really acting. You're surviving, and that's huge!