Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Grieving Mother vs. Writer's Block

It's been a very long time since I've written anything. I started this blog with the grand idea of writing several times a week, posting things full of witty insight and blunt honesty. But that didn't happen.


I think the reality is, I feel much like a broken record. I feel like I live in the movie Groundhog's Day. How many different ways can I phrase just how much losing a baby sucks? How many different ways are there to explain how my soul was crushed, my heart shattered? Because in the end, it's the same story told a different way. 

But, to anyone reading this that's been in my shoes, you know exactly what I'm talking about don't you? Because that's your reality every. single. day. You wake up, you put on a smile, get dressed, take care of your family, go about your normal day. But on the inside, there's always that part of you that's screaming, "What about my baby?" 

Our world has been forever changed and so many people fail to see it. It's like suddenly the grass is pink and the sky is purple and you wonder why you're the only one that sees it. So you start faking it 'til you make it. Slowly but surely, you assimilate back into the real world. You pretend the grass is still green and the sky is still blue. And eventually, you almost manage to convince yourself the grass really is green. 


Then something happens. You see a baby or a glowing, pregnant woman. Maybe you're at the playground and you hear a mother calling a name- the name of the child you lost, a name you never seem to hear spoken. And it twists up your gut. I'll never forget that day at the playground when I heard a parent calling for "Henry!" and I immediately had to find this child named Henry. A name that I'd never get to call out at the playground. And suddenly, the grass is pink again. 

And this cycle continues endlessly. And it probably always will to some extent.

So I haven't written. Because honestly, what's left to say that I haven't already said? 

It's been nine months since we lost Henry. It's been two years since we lost Alex. It's gotten better, easier. But it still hurts. I still feel angry and sad. Not all the time. Maybe not even every day. But I've had to patch myself together the best way I can for my family and for myself. 

In that nine months, we conceived another baby only to lose that hope just a few weeks later. That baby would have arrived just a few days before Christmas. Sometimes it blows me away to think that I could have been nearly ready to have a whole other baby in the amount of time that's passed since Henry. How has it been that long already?

On the other hand, it feels like ages ago. That long day in the hospital when he was delivered. That windy, snowy day when we buried him, it sometimes feels like years ago. So much has happened.  Yet I remember it like it was yesterday.

I've been so thankful to become a part of Back In His Arms Again, to be given a voice, to hopefully try and help someone else experiencing this same thing. I have met some absolutely amazing women through the Mother to Mother group who have forever changed my life. They've lifted me up and prayed with me. Sometimes it amazes me that even though I know so little about some of them, I feel as if I know them better than so many other people in my life simply because we share a very strong common bond. I could say just about anything to them about this experience and they would know exactly what I was talking about.

As I battle with trying to move forward, trying to have another baby, I'm constantly fearful and anxious. And hopeful. And optimistic. What an awkward combination of emotions. 

I have about four unfinished blog posts I've attempted to write over the last few months, I really hope that I can finish them because actually I quite like what I've written. But I often times just simply feel too stuck to finish them. It all sounds the same to me.

But for now, I want you to know that whoever you are, wherever you are, if you or a loved one has lost a baby, I pray for you. You are not alone, you are not the only one stuck.

You are not the only one who sees that the grass is pink and the sky is purple.


  1. Dear Amy:
    I love your blog!  I have a close friend that lost an 18 month old this past May so I am always on the look-out for sites that have good 'real' information that might help them.  I am going to pass along the information to Chad and Kristina as they too have taken strength from their loss and have now started a non-profit in their son's name.

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mary Claire.  As a mother myself, I cannot begin to imagine what you have gone through and my heart goes out to you and your family.

    I work for Jewelry Keepsakes, an online retailer that specializes in cremation urns and memorial jewelry.  I was wondering if you would have any interest in doing a product review.  We have so many great products that I honestly feel can help parents that have experienced loss.  Getting an honest review not only helps us maintain the integrity of our products and shows us what is working and what we need to improve on but also lets us provide the best products we can to those that are grieving - and that matters most of all.  I have a particular fondness for our photo engraved keepsakes as they honor those that are living as well as those that have passed (I have three of each of my children).  I would be happy to send at no charge any keepsake of your choice.

    The links to our site and to our photo engraved pendants are:

    I am happy to answer any questions you might have and the best way to reach me is via reply to my email.  I also have a company email where you can contact me and that is

    Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

    Best Regards,
    Hallie Schumaker
    Jewelry Keepsakes

  2. Hi Amy!
    I apologize for reaching out to you through the blog - I looked for a direct email but couldn't find one. I was hoping you had given some thought to doing a product review - I would love to speak more with you.

    Hope to hear from you soon!


  3. Hi Amy,
    Just checking in with you to see if you had looked through our site and were interested in doing a product review. Please let me know if you have any questions!

    Best regards,

  4. Hi Amy,

    Hope you are surviving the cold!

    Have you given any thought to doing a product review? Would love to send you one in memory of your Mary Claire.

    I look forward to hearing from you soon!